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The duality of modern Chris

i don't know what i want.

on the one hand: my life is really good right now. 1) the business that i started is up and running and i am making more money than i ever have in my life. i mean, i have a long way to go, but i feel like i'm going there. 2) i have an unbelievable girlfriend. she is beautiful, she knows me and and loves me anyway. she believes in me, and we have a lot of fun together. how she puts up with my crap i will never know. 3) i am actually a part of a church community that i love. the first time in my life that i truly look forward to going to church every week. i love the people in my church, and they make me feel like who i am is ok. i still suck, but i feel like i'm knowing God better all the time.

so, if things are going so well for me, why do i get so.....sad?

on the other hand: i live in tulsa. 1) i swore that when i graduated i would not get stuck in this city like i see so many people do. people don't come to tulsa. they stay or leave. it is just too easy to be content here. cheap rent, easy city in general. i want to be challenged in my life. not get stuck in mid-america where i never leave. just not for me. 2) i get very easily discouraged about my music. i am not writing songs, not really playing shows, definitely not touring, no record companies are interested in me, and i'm getting used to it. when i planned my life out, i was supposed to be rising the indi ladder by now, on tour with a mid level band about to hit the big time any month now. i still believe in my songs. i would like to say that God gave me the talent of writing songs for a reason. but i just feel stuck. i feel like it is time to grow up and give up the dream. but i know that i cannot do that. deep down inside, i still feel like thats what i was created to do, so the fact that it is not happening, and there is a good chance that it will never happen makes me want to stop living. if i'm not doing what i was made to do then whats the point. 3) i am the most fickle person on the planet. one day things with liz are incredible, and i could not be happier. the next day, i don't know what i want and i flake out on her. i think i have been through so much heartache that i am starting to become numb. if my life isn't going exactly how i planed it would, i want to kill everything in my life. and i know my fickleness is so hard for her. i hate it that i hurt her. i really do love that girl. just figuring things out i guess. part of the process.

the duality of modern Chris.

why is it that i am what i hate? and i'll never be what i love.

these are the things that plague me every day.

Greetings Citizens of Blog

here i am. 3:01 am on a wednesday (actually thursday). creating my first blog. well, honestly not my first. i do the whole myspace thing obviously, and like 30 years ago i had a zanga. wine and blog.

i have been mixing my ears off. finishing up paul daughority's cd this week. definitely the best sounding thing i have done. what a lucky guy. hopefully it is all up hill from here. next week is hard core saturday night recording. saturday night is my church. but you probably know that since you probably go there if you are reading this. maybe not. maybe thousands of people are pouring over every word that flows from my finger tips onto my brand new macbook.

lizzy mcthompson is gone. i miss her.

you should all listen to jose' gonzales. kate introduced me to him. very nick drak-esk, but maybe more...spanish? don't let the name fool you though. he was born and raised in sweedan.

so, how do you like my blog name? chrisropa. i hope you catch the reference. if you don't know already, you don't deserve to know....just kidding. its from a u2 album.

also listen to the new keane. pretty freakin rad.

and watch the new edison glass music video. you can watch it here: www.myspace.com/edisonglass

so, if anyone has any sweet ideas of how to make my blog....sweet. let me know.